Every morning I sit down to journal. The first thing that comes to me to write about is how I am feeling. I'm not feeling great right now. Sitting down first thing in the morning to write about how not great I'm feeling has subconsciously forced me into a lacking mentality. My days are filled with swampy, grumpy thoughts. Everything is annoying. I am tired. I am over today. Tomorrow. Yesterday. There is a sense of dread threaded through my days. What is there to look forward to when I feel this way? I'm starting to wonder if I am depressed. Or anxious. Or just deeply grumpy (same thing?). I can write this now, share this now because this morning, rainy Sunday morning, quietly writing while my children quietly play with cars and sewing doll pillows, awareness cloaked my body.
The first thing I wrote was 'What's good?'. Of course! Why hadn't I thought of that before? I suppose I needed to get to a point where I was forced to look at things from a different angle. Instead of focusing on all that wasn't, I caught my thoughts and redirected them.
So what's good?
Yesterday we planted lots of plants and seeds in our garden and today it is raining. The rain feels so good on my soul, the noise in my ears, on my little plot of earth, on our plants.
My belly is full of food. My baby is kicking in my womb. My husband is resting - a rarer then rare occurrence. My children are happy. We are together. The pink lillies are sharing their strong musky smell with me. Reminding me that I am loved by my husband. That we have created a beautiful life together and continue to do so. We continue to choose each other. There is so much love, so much abundance in my life and I got stuck in a room where I couldn't see it. Where I couldn't feel anything but my own lack of. This morning I realised that my life is not lacking, my mentality is. I can choose my mentality, in every moment.
Wishing you love and abundance and peace and gratitude.